What is love?

[00:00:01] I love ice cream. [00:00:04] Do you really love ice cream? [00:00:07] You eat ice cream? Do you eat those you love? I hope you'll never love me. I don't want to be eaten. [00:00:15] When we say I love ice cream or I love music or I love Shakespeare, I really don't love either one of them. I love myself. [00:00:28] And that love forces me to appreciate what ice cream, music or Shakespeare do for me. [00:00:35] And about Shakespeare. Personally, I couldn't care less. If I will be getting similar satisfaction from someone else's writings, I'll read those books. [00:00:46] What is love? Love is a desire to get closer to someone or something. [00:00:52] We may want to get closer to someone because we want the best for this person. Like the selfless love of a mother towards her child. [00:01:03] Or because I just enjoy being next to this person. [00:01:09] Or because of some benefit I'm deriving from this person. Small children love those who give them presents. And by the way, not only small children. [00:01:18] I don't think that we could call it altruistic love. [00:01:23] The desire to get closer to someone may be because I just like spending time with this person or because of my libido. [00:01:31] Small child loves his mother and does not let her go of him even for a second. [00:01:38] The mother is tired and she needs to lie down. But the child's love for her does not allow him to let her do that. [00:01:47] We hope that when he grows up, his selfish love will develop into real love. [00:01:55] Only the love that is directed at another person and not what he does for me, can last. [00:02:03] Love based on personal benefits, like love for ice cream or for Shakespeare, is love for oneself and will only last for as long as that benefit lasts. [00:02:18] But usually love, the desire to get close to someone, starts with loving what they do for us, their sense of humor, the help they provide for us, or their looks. [00:02:31] The hope is that later this egotistic love will develop into selfless love. [00:02:40] But how can selfish love transform into real love? [00:02:46] Human nature has one trick. [00:02:48] Our actions usually follow our desires. If I want to do something, I will try to do it. But there is also a reverse connection. Our desires also follow our actions. For example, by forcing myself to smile, I can start feeling happier. [00:03:07] If I start caring for someone, acting lovingly, it will arouse in me a feeling of love for this person. [00:03:16] We start loving people that we care for. [00:03:21] That means that most often the trajectory of deep relationships is like they begin with me seeing some benefit for myself in another person, let's say, their sense of humor. [00:03:37] And because of that, I want to be next to them. Because I love myself. This love forces me to care for this person, do something for him. And because of this, my feelings for this person develop into real love, selfless love. [00:03:54] A young woman, Hannah Sharfstein, once visited the Lubavitche Rebbe, and he asked her why she was not getting married. [00:04:02] She said that she still did not find anyone for whom she felt true love. [00:04:09] You have read too many novels, replied the Rebbe. [00:04:15] The passionate emotions described there is fantasy. The feelings that a young bride is experiencing is just the beginning. [00:04:25] Love must be developed. True love is what comes after you have lived with someone while caring for each other for about five or ten years.