Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Rabbi Eichman Ben Zakay, before he passed away, his students asked him, what is your last wish for us? What is your final blessing that you are giving to us?
[00:00:13] And he told them, may your fear of heavens be just like your fear of a king, flesh and blood. And we are looking at it. We are surprised.
[00:00:25] That's all what he can wish to his students. And the answer is that really our relationship with God can be understood and modeled after our relationship with other people.
[00:00:37] Because the difficulty that we don't see God, we don't hear God, we don't interact with God like we do usually with everybody else, that creates a difficulty in our relationship. So now when you are looking at our relationship with God, let's look at our relationship with other people.
[00:00:56] So having said that, if you look at any orderly society, the idea of justice, reward and punishment is essential for any society. As a matter of fact, it's part of even that. Any society needs to have a system that rewards good behavior and punishes bad behavior, right in our relationship with people who are dear to us, whether it's friends or family members, we don't want to fall back onto the criminal system as our guide to what we do to them and what we don't do to them.
[00:01:35] In other words, adultery is a crime, by the way. You know that, right? Adultery is a criminal offense. There's no punishment for it in any of the 50 states, but on the books it's a criminal offense. They used to have punishment for that.
[00:01:47] But officially, adultery is a criminal offense. That's why if you are deposed and you're asked about adultery, you could say, I plead the Fifth, because you have right not to incriminate yourself.
[00:01:59] So now.
[00:02:00] But if you are saying, I'm not cheating on my wife because of a criminal system, your marriage is in pretty bad shape.
[00:02:07] Hitting another person, assault on battery is a crime. But if you are saying, I'm not beating up my mother because I don't want to go to jail, you're pretty lousy, son.
[00:02:19] So in other words, in Yiddishkeit, in Judaism, we have system of reward and punishment. It has to be there. It's essential.
[00:02:28] God rewards good behavior and God punishes bad behavior. And that's what we say in Shema every single day. That's what we read about all the time. It's one of the foundations of our belief.
[00:02:40] But at the same time, when we talk about our relationship with God, it's not what we want to fall back on if we really want to have a relationship with God.
[00:02:51] So our relationship with God should be like a relationship with other people who are dear to us. I think I'm mentioning to you, the main idea of Judaism is not mitzvahs, is not learning Torah. It's not. Judaism is not about mitzvahs. Judaism is not about learning Torah. Judaism is about my relationship with God. That's what Judaism is all about.
[00:03:16] Just the only thing is to have relationship with God. The only way I have relationship with God is by doing mitzvahs and by learning Torah.
[00:03:24] Why is that? If you have a person who is dear to you, a married man who just got married to someone, you'll get married to somebody.
[00:03:34] You will wanna figure out what this person's world is, how this person thinks, what her feelings are, what her view on different things is, right? Her world view. You will try to figure it out. If this person is dear to you, you won't understand them. You want to get them.
[00:03:53] So the same thing is with the Torah. If you want to have a relationship with God, you. We learn Torah because we want to understand what is dear to God, what God likes, what God doesn't like, how God looks at things.
[00:04:05] That's why we learn the Torah, because that enhances our relationship with God. And without it, it's very hard to have relationship. You cannot have relationship with somebody who you don't get.
[00:04:16] You'll be just getting frustrated. Why did she say that? Why did he do that? Why do I always see this in this? Right? It's not going to be a normal relationship if you don't get somebody. Now that's with our new Torah, with mitzvahs, the same thing. You cannot have relationship with somebody, but keep doing what this person hates and not doing what this person asks you.
[00:04:37] By the way, in marriage counseling, I see it very often.
[00:04:40] This couple comes to me and the husband complains. She always nags me. I always do everything wrong. She's always upset about everything I do. What does she want from me?
[00:04:51] So the wife starts telling me he, whenever he comes, he always leaves his shoes in the middle of a room and he never hangs up with his jack. And he always leaves, leaves dishes on the table, whatever it is. And the husband's, ah, these are all little stupid things. Why is she bothering me with that? I'm like, no, no, she's actually telling you what she wants from you. You came here complaining, I don't know what she wants from you. She just told you what she wants from you. This is nothing. I'm like, no, that's not Nothing. That's what she wants.
[00:05:17] So we want to have a relationship with God. We're like this God. I don't know what he wants from you. Put on filling. Keep Shabbos, keep going. Ah, this is nothing. I just. What do you want? No, that's exactly what he wants. That's what God wants.
[00:05:28] Now, if a person doesn't commit adultery because it's a crime, and that's only that keeps him from cheating on his wife, you know what? I guess it's better he should not commit adultery.
[00:05:39] If criminal system is what keeps him from cheating on his wife, then let's keep it this way. Okay? At least that.
[00:05:46] But it's not a normal relationship.
[00:05:48] So if somebody does a mitzvah because he's going to get a reward, or if somebody doesn't do a something which is wrong because he's going to get punished, I'm very glad he's not doing what's wrong. I'm very glad he's doing a mitzvah. You know, keep it this way.
[00:06:03] But if you'll ask me about the state of his relationship with God, I'll say it's somewhere negative numbers.
[00:06:11] I'll also, I'll give you another example.
[00:06:14] If you meet somebody in a store, you bump into somebody in the store and they say, you know, I have this elderly neighbor who is not feeling well and I decided I'll go shopping for her today.
[00:06:27] I'm doing a big mitzvah. And you know, I'm sure abishter is going to give me a lot of Sakhar for this.
[00:06:33] Okay. Again, it's something you would not hear in maybe Lubavitch circles, but in some Jewish circles it's, I would say it's an acceptable thing to say. Right.
[00:06:43] Then the next day you're in the same store and you meet a different person and he says, you know, my mother is not feeling well and I am shopping for her.
[00:06:52] I hope I'm going to get a lot of sahar in heavens for that.
[00:06:56] You look at this person funny.
[00:06:59] If a person is in the store shopping for his elderly neighbor and hoping to get a reward in heavens for that, that's okay. It's kind of acceptable. Yeah, I wish person would be doing it not because of reward that he's going to get in heaven, but at least that's good. Now, if person is shopping for his mother because he's helping get reward, that's already, you know, really strange.
[00:07:24] Again, if that's what makes him shop for his mother, let him shop for his Mother, I'm glad he's shopping for his mother. But it's strange.
[00:07:32] So the same thing like this is I just described difference between what you do for a stranger and what you do for your mother.
[00:07:39] When you do something for a stranger, you hope to get a reward for it. When you do something for your mother, you're not doing it because of your word. Hopefully you're doing it because it's your mother.
[00:07:47] So who is God to you, a stranger or is your mother? That's the question.
[00:07:52] For some people God is a stranger.
[00:07:54] So you know, if for you God is a stranger, keep shopping for him in hopes for reward in heaven. I'm glad you are shopping for him because otherwise you wouldn't do it.
[00:08:04] But my hope is that one day God is going to become to you like a mother, not like a stranger.
[00:08:10] Now in the other question you asked is about Judaism being mitzvahs oriented, essentiality of mitzvahs. This stems from this very point.
[00:08:23] Everything we do is our expression. It's like a language. You know there's a book about relationship called five languages of love, right?
[00:08:33] Some. It's helpful for people to figure out what what language of love your husband or your wife speaks.
[00:08:41] Because the central idea of this book is that different people have different languages of love. For example, to one person, love is helping him, assisting him, caring for him.
[00:08:55] And what you say I love you is irrelevant.
[00:08:58] To another person, what you do is not as important. But he or she wants to hear every day and every second, I love you.
[00:09:06] For some person. There it describes five main languages of love. Right? Now if you are talking to this person wrong language, you might be screaming till you are blue in your face. But he won't get it. It's not his language.
[00:09:19] I could yell at you in Chinese all day long.
[00:09:22] You look at me with a funny look and you won't even know what I want from you because I'm talking to you Chinese and you don't speak Chinese. I need to learn English and then I'll be able to talk to you the way you understand.
[00:09:32] So language of love is a language that another person understands. You need to learn the other person language in order to relate to him, in order to communicate with him.
[00:09:41] So God has his own love language.
[00:09:45] God says for you to tell me I love you. This how you tell me you love me.
[00:09:50] If God says you care for me, this is what I want.
[00:09:55] Now here's another very important thing for your relationship. What is more important? Learning Torah, doing mitzvahs.
[00:10:04] So let's look. I'm talking about your relationship with God. For your relationship with God, what's more important, learning Torah or doing mitzvahs? So let's look at our relationship with other humans.
[00:10:14] If you don't really understand your wife, but you do everything she wants, she asks you to do something, you have no clue why. Actually, in your mind, it's totally absurd idea, but you do it.
[00:10:27] You don't understand why, but everything she wants from you, you always do right away. Compare this relationship to a relationship where you really get your wife, you really understand her, you understand how she thinks, but you never do anything she asks.
[00:10:41] So which one of these types of relationship you think has a higher chance of surviving?
[00:10:46] The first one, obviously. The first one, it's obviously the ultimate, is to understand what your wife wants, to get her to understand why she wants it, and then do it. That's the.
[00:10:59] Imagine you are an assistant to this big somebody over there. Big honcho, big businessman, big boss. You are his assistant, and somebody comes to his office and he calls you over and he says, this is my friend.
[00:11:14] He is here in town for one day.
[00:11:16] I want you to spend day with him. I want him to have a good time.
[00:11:20] You are assigned to be with him for a day.
[00:11:23] You walk out of the room and you say. And he tells you, let's go to a museum. And you're like, no, I'm not gonna go to a museum. My boss didn't tell me to go to museum. You told me to go to the museum. I won't listen to my boss. No, no, your boss told you to listen to him for that day, you have to listen to him. Now, your boss could tell somebody else, lose somebody else.
[00:11:43] But this is what your boss wants.
[00:11:45] Or putting it in a relationship perspective.
[00:11:49] Let's say your wife tells you, you know what? I want to decorate our living room differently.
[00:11:55] Here is a designer, an interior designer who I trust.
[00:11:59] She'll take you to a store and buy whatever she says.
[00:12:02] You'll go with her to the store. You'll say, one second, you're telling me to buy this. I don't want to buy it because my wife is not. I have a relationship with my wife. I'm going to listen to what my wife says. You are nobody. I'm not going to listen to you. No, but your wife told you to listen to her.
[00:12:16] When you are listening to somebody who your wife told you, listen, you are strengthening your relationship with your wife even though you're listening to somebody else.
[00:12:25] So that's why it says in it's brought down. In Gemara, Russia brings it down. And in Hasidus it's strength. It's stressed many times as a deed is the main thing, because we drew this parallel with relationship, which is only action based and relationship, which is only understanding based.
[00:12:47] And you saw yourself that relationship, which is action based is much healthier relationship, a relationship which is only understanding based.
[00:12:54] Now, ideally you need to do both, but the question is, which one's more important? Action is definitely more important.
[00:13:00] One thing about language, it is whenever you talk about language, always precision in your expression, as you know as someone who is in communication, is very important.
[00:13:14] Let's eat grandma.
[00:13:16] One comma can determine what are you trying to say? Let's eat comma, grandma or let's eat grandma. So that's why mitzvahs are so detail oriented.
[00:13:26] Why do I need to eat this amount of matzah? Not that amount of matzah, I don't know, but you need to put a comma. If I'll eat a slightly different amount of matzah, the comma might end up in the wrong place.
